I feel like I must express my feelings today. I know we all have days where we struggle. I cannot begin to express the feelings I have had today. 

For the past 10 months I've struggled with Depression. I think I've always been clinically depressed, but after my 19th birthday last year, it escalated quickly. I began to notice a change in my mannerisms. I was more tired, even after having 12 hours of sleep. I lost interest in things that I loved to do (like reading). I wasn't happy anymore. Needless to say, I still am not happy. I haven't been in a while. There are times when I feel better and I act like I am happy, but deep down inside me I know I am not. There are times when I feel like my life isn't moving forward. I live in a blank stare. No color, no movement...just empty. I think I have moments in my life that make me feel happy. But those moments only last a short time. It should be reversed. I should be happy all the time with the occasional down day. I used to wonder what was wrong with me, but now I'm just used to it. 

Today I cried for no reason (I haven't cried for no reason in 2 months). Why do I feel so alone all the time? I have so much to be grateful for! I have my family, friends, and most importantly my Heavenly Father. There aren't words to describe to him how I feel. I don't even know what I could say to him to explain how horrid I feel all the time. How I'm always scared, how I feel useless to people, how I feel like a bother, how I feel like I'm in the way, how I feel like a jerk... I can't win with myself. I know he is there. Sometimes I feel like someone is wrapping a blanket around me. It comforts me until I fall asleep. But when I wake up in the morning, I'm back to square 1, trying to even get myself out of bed. I have so many things I want to do. So many goals that I want to accomplish for myself, but I can't seem to gather enough energy or desire to even try. I feel like a failure. The medications have helped a bunch, but they can only do so much. I still feel down and alone. It's so interesting because people tell me all the time "But you aren't alone". True, so very true, but what I feel and what is reality is totally different. It's like if someone hears you vs someone who listens to you. 

I think a lot of the things that have been affecting me have to deal with the dealings of life. I can't seem to save up enough money. I have no idea where it all goes to. Between making a car payment, gas, putting money into savings, phone payment and tithing, I eat up my whole paycheck. I don't go out to eat anymore. I go without buying make up, I wait until my clothes have holes in them, you'd think I'd be able to save something. I'm lucky to keep my account open. Plus I have to pay for tuition out of pocket! No scholarships for this girl unfortunately. You'd think with a 4.0 GPA in High School and applying for 300+ scholarhips, something would have happened. But no. It didn't. I can't apply for FAFSA or a Pell Grant because I live with my parents and they make too much. I would move out, and I was planning on it, but I couldn't because I couldn't afford it. I don't make enough working 12 hour shifts at the Hospital to even move out. I can't even live at home and afford anything. My parents try to help out the best they can, but they are even tightening their belts on their own income. It makes me sad to think the economy has come to this. The cost of living is more expensive than what the average american earns. So basically, we can't even live. We are just surviving. It isn't right. It's hard to watch so many people suffer because of it. 

Now, maybe I'm just venting about my frustrations. It does make me feel better to write. I do know that I will be okay, but until this passes, it is sure going to be a long climb to reach the end. One day it will all make sense, I just have to wait I guess.